Sunday, April 6, 2014
My light comes on at 3am in the morning. I blink hard as my eyes adjust to the light and I reach for my glasses. Operation Slap-n-Kill has failed and now Operation Hunt-n-Swat has begun.
Wearily I put on my glasses and pick up the fly swatter that I keep by my bed. Staying still, I watch and listen trying to locate my enemy and find the perfect time to strike.
Operation Hunt-n-Swat is always the last resort in the war with mosquitoes. Even when you are victorious and eliminate your enemy, you still lose because it takes a long time to fall back to sleep after standing on the bed with the lights on swatting at mosquitoes . . . and dealing with internal anger issues from the fact that Crazy Mom is fast asleep while the war is being waged.
That is why the first line of warfare is Slap-n-Kill. The tactic here is that when you wake up with buzzing in your ears, you slowly ease both hands out from under the covers and place them a foot on either side of your face.
Then you wait.
The instant the buzzing stops you assume the mosquito has landed on your face and you simultaneously slap both sides of your face with your hands. If the buzzing does not resume, you have won. If it does, you lie in wait again. The beauty here is you never have to open your eyes.
But after a few hard swats your ears start ringing and you can’t hear the buzzing anymore and that is when the lights come on and you resort to Operation Hunt-n-Swat.